


The Dream Sequence

by luxpermanet



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Canon, Character Study, Dreams vs. Reality, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-20
Updated: 2013-10-20
Packaged: 2017-12-29 23:13:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1011233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luxpermanet/pseuds/luxpermanet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While waiting for the main force to return to the barracks, Levi falls asleep and dreams of many things.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Dream Sequence

**Author's Note:**

> This is supposed to be a birthday present for Danchou. Obviously, it is extremely late.
> 
> Belated happy birthday, Erwin. We are grateful for your safety.

**Now**

 

Levi has never been one to tolerate unnecessary noise and disorder. Dinnertime at the mess hall was often an ordeal for his eardrums. Most of the time, he would escape to his room (or Erwin’s) to dine in solace. On other occasions (when Erwin would ask him to stay), he would silently suffer through the riot while stuck like a barnacle to Erwin’s side. Recently, he had begun to avoid dinnertime due to the diminishing number of troops. Empty seats and open spaces reminded him of all the men who had fallen prey to the vile creatures who threatened their safety, and loss would clench around his heart like a vice.

 

Today was the first time that he had ever sat in the mess hall alone.

 

It bothered him that what little remained of the scalding tea Hanji had made him before she’d gone off to god-knows-where was still warm. It meant that Erwin and the rest of the Survey Corps had only been gone a little over an hour. Levi, on the other hand, felt as if he had been sitting in the dark for days.

 

This was the first time he had been injured badly enough not to accompany Erwin on a critical scouting mission. Nearly every man on deck had been called out to assist because losing Eren would mean losing the war against the titans. Erwin, curse his noble soul, had always been one to put the safety of humanity before his own. Levi didn’t usually mind this; he was almost always just within reach of Erwin, more than ready to give up his own life to ensure the survival of the one man he believed would restore order to their godforsaken land. Of course, it had not always been this way. Once upon a time, Levi had pressed the blades of his stolen 3DMG against Erwin’s throat with full intentions of ending the life of the man he had only ever seen as a blindsided military dog.

 

_“Do you plan to kill me, Levi?” Erwin had asked calmly._

_“Yeah,” Levi rasped, blade at Erwin’s throat, close enough to sever an artery. “The reason I joined the Survey Corps…was to kill you, Erwin.”_

_“Do it, then,” Erwin taunted him, still calm. “If you are so intent on putting an end to this existence you find so meaningless, then proceed, by all means.”_

Right then and there, something in Levi had cracked, and the dam that he had been so careful to keep upright had broken to give way to rushing waters. That same night, he had found himself in Erwin’s room, wrists handcuffed to the bedposts as he’d bent over to receive Erwin’s cock. He’d screamed himself hoarse then, overcome by both humiliation and desire. Come morning, he’d wept at the gentle touch of the hands that would wipe him clean and card through his hair. That morning, Erwin Smith had gazed at him, for the first time, with kind eyes. He had become the light, and Levi had sworn a silent oath that for as long as he lived, he would not allow Erwin to meet his death at the jaws of a titan. He deserved to pass peacefully as an old man, surrounded by a loving wife, their children, and their children’s children. But Erwin had merely shaken his head and leaned over to press a kiss to Levi’s forehead.

 

_“I will go when you go. My heart, it seems, has tied itself to yours.”_

Now, for the first time in a long time, they are apart. Levi is horribly uncomfortable with being left behind. He wants nothing more than to saddle a horse and join his fellow soldiers, a stalwart presence at Erwin’s side. His injury would, however, put him in a precarious presentation. Erwin does not need to have half his mind on his injured Lance Corporal in the face of what could be certain death.

 

He sips his tea. It is still warm. The emptiness pervades.

 

As if moving on instinct, he struggles to rise from his seat to make the agonising journey to Erwin’s room on the second floor. He locks the door behind him and throws himself onto the bed, burying his face into the sheets that have been ingrained with the clean, musky scent of the man he had pledged his life to. Time will only tick by slower if he sits and waits, so he closes his eyes and tries to find sleep.

 

What he finds, though, are dreams.

 

**One**

 

Levi can’t believe he’s let Hanji drag him into this hellhole. Life in the university dormitories meant having to put up with kids who were intent on getting drunk, getting high, fucking and doing all of the above at college parties that never seemed to end. Levi’s parents had thought it a good idea to ship him off to the dorms for the duration of his college life; his mother liked to complain about how he never had any friends outside of online chatrooms due to all the time he spent indoors. He’d argued and yelled, but had quickly fallen quiet when his father ever-so-casually said that they were the ones paying for his education. As much as Levi hated having to put up with people he couldn’t stand, his education was important to him.

 

He’d made the decision to suck it up for the next four years. Fortunately, Hanji, annoying as she was, was there to make things easier for him. Most of the time, he liked her just fine.

 

Tonight, she had coerced him into attending one of those disgusting frat parties because she didn’t want to pass up on the chance to see one of her favourite bands perform. This party is of the guest list-only variety. Levi can’t help but wonder how many frat boys Hanji had blackmailed into granting them access.

 

“Don’t just stand around as if you don’t want to be here, Levi,” she wheedles, grabbing a red cup from a passing waiter. “Here, have a drink. It should help you loosen up a little.”

 

Levi pours the contents into a nearby potted plant. “Didn’t your parents ever warn you about accepting random drinks from strangers? They could have put something in these.”

 

“It’s your funeral,” Hanji says dryly. “I’ve already had three one after the other, and I’m still standing. It’s just a party, Levi—one, might I add, that was spearheaded by the Omega Epsilon Phi fraternity. Their leader is also the president of the student council. I doubt he’s into criminal acts like date rape or drug dealing.”

 

Levi rolls his eyes and grabs a bottle of Corona from the bar. “Bottled drinks have battle caps. See? So much safer. I can also use it as a weapon just in case someone does something funny.”

 

“I swear, you have never been a teenager,”Hanji says teasingly. “But I never would have had our names put on the guest list if there was a chance that we would get into trouble. Mike Zacharias, the second-in-command of this particular frat, is one of my classmates in History of Civilizations. He told me he isn’t much of a party person himself, but there’s this unwritten rule that all frats and sororities must organise at least two big parties in one calendar year. When he found out that I was a fan of Bad Habit, he offered me a chance to see them and registered my name on his guestlist. I told him that I wanted to bring a plus one, so that’s why we’re in this together. Please don’t be mad if I told him you were the saddest little shithead in the world, because you kind of really are, sometimes.”

 

“Well, I’ve called you worse things in the past, so that’s fair.” As much as he likes to gripe about her and yell at her for being noisy, Hanji is the closest thing Levi will ever have to an actual friend. “And maybe my Mum is right. Maybe I should share oxygen with other people more often.”

 

“Attaboy, Levi!” Hanji says cheerfully, steering him away from the bar. “Now, let’s see what fun this is to be had before Bad Habit goes onstage.”   

 

“Fun?” Levi parrots. “I do not see anything fun to do at the moment. I am not going to wander into a room only to end up seeing some of these morons attempting to procreate. Can’t we just sit somewhere?”

 

Hanji pauses. “That’s actually a good idea. You can go over there to where the tables are and find us a spot to sit while I try to carry back as much food as I can. Is that okay?”

 

“If you can guarantee that we won’t lose each other,” Levi says darkly. “God forbid you leave me alone in a room full of social animals. I might just claw someone’s eyes out.”

 

“Ten minutes!” Hanji promises. “If I’m not back by then, you may sell my spleen on eBay.”

 

Levi shakes his head, but makes his way to the couches by the staircase. It’s not a secluded sitting area, so there aren’t as many couples making out here as there are in the more private rooms. He finds a spot that can accommodate Hanji and himself, and saves the space by reclining on the couch cushions. It smells faintly of cigarettes and overly manly deodorant; he tries hard not to think of the probable stains he can’t really see thanks to the stupid disco-like lighting that illuminates every corner of the frat house. From this vantage point, he can see some of his schoolmates make fools out of themselves in public. Reiner Braun, who had dedicated an entire term and a half to prove his worth to Omega Episilon Phi, was lording over the makeshift dunk tank that had somehow been set up in the middle of the overly large foyer. Levi figures it must be part of his duties as a new member; the older ones are a bit more uppity and wouldn’t volunteer to be dunkees lest they wind up heavily drunk. Mikasa Ackerman, one of the smartest and toughest girls at university, was clearly having the time of her life beating the pants off the frat boys at air hockey. They were the least of Levi’s problems, though. Jean Kirschtein, who was wearing his newly emblazoned Omega Epsilon Phi jacket with pride, was too busy trying to stick his tongue down Armin Arlert’s throat. The act was borderline R-16 in nature, but the rest of the couples (and some groups) in the surrounding area were easily crossing the NC-17 mark.

 

“Public displays of horniness should be banned,” he mutters under his breath.

 

“I’d agree with you, but putting a stop to all sexual acts would just ruin the fun for them.”

 

Levi cranes his neck up to see a tall blond man leaning against the bannister, cigarette dangling from his lips. Like most of the people in the house, he was wearing his fraternity jacket; though on him, it looked more like an average everyday garment he had thrown on instead of a stupid status symbol.

 

“It was rude of you to eavesdrop,” he says. “I was talking to myself.”

 

“Well, it was the perfect opportunity to say something,” the frat boy responds. “I’ve been watching you sulk all by your lonesome since your friend left you.” He holds out a pack of Lucky Strikes. “Cigarette?”

 

Levi has to get to his knees to be at least within reaching distance of the intruder. He snatches a cigarette from the pack and holds it between his teeth, shamelessly staring at the man as he leans in closer to light it. Up close, he’s quite handsome. With his blond hair, blue eyes and broad shoulders, Mr. Frat Boy could easily pass as a superhero. He’s probably one of those jock types with a million notches on his bedposts.

 

“Thanks,” Levi says instead. “I’d toast you to lung cancer, but I’m out of Corona.”

 

Mr. Frat Boy smiles. “Wait right there.”

 

He disappears upstairs without another word, but returns shortly with a six-pack and a bag of Ruffles. “Budge up,” he instructs, nudging Levi’s legs with his knees. Levi knows he’s supposed to say he saved the spot for Hanji, but it’s been awhile and she hasn’t come back yet, so he does as he’s told.

 

“Thanks,” Mr. Frat Boy says as he tears into the chips. “I’d ask you what you think of the party so far, but one look tells me that you didn’t set foot on our lawn with a willing heart.”

 

“Got dragged,” Levi replies. “My idiot friend wanted to catch Bad Habit onstage, so I decided to play nice and come along. Don’t get me wrong; I love her as if she was my very own sister, but she can be such a nutjob at times. It’s hard to keep up with her.”

 

“We all have that one friend.” Mr. Frat Boy unscrews two Corona beers and hands one to Levi. “I’m Erwin Smith, by the way. Just in case you don’t know that yet.”

 

Levi stares at him. “As in, Erwin Smith the student council president? And Erwin Smith the leader of Omega Epsilon Phi? Fuck me six ways to Saturday, man.”

 

“You mean you’ve never seen me before?” Smith breaks into a grin. “Or were you just not paying attention whenever I made my public appearances?”

 

“Probably the latter,” Levi responds. “When I would catch glimpses of you, you always looked so unruffled in your perfectly pressed uniform and your perfectly slicked-back blond hair. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you look so…informal before.”

 

“Point. You haven’t told me your name yet, though.”

 

“It’s Levi. I don’t do last names, so let’s not focus on that.”

 

“Kinda like Madonna, yeah?” Smith chuckles. “I can live with that. So, how are you doing, Levi?”

 

“Well, when I arrived, I was feeling uncomfortable.” Levi begins ticking his emotions off on his fingers. “And then, I felt irritated when Hanji—my traitor of a friend—was explaining herself. When she left me alone, I felt resigned to my fate. Shortly before you came, I was fucking bored. Now, I’m pretty much okay. That’s it, basically.”

 

“I like you,” Smith suddenly says, much to Levi’s surprise. “You’re obviously not the type to sugarcoat anything. You speak your feelings honestly, but you’re careful not to genuinely hurt people you care about.”

 

Levi arches an eyebrow. “We’ve known each other for less than ten minutes now, and here you are, analysing my personality like a fucking shrink. I’m actually amazed.”

 

“That’s because you’re a lot more interesting than most people I hold daily interactions with,” Smith replies dryly. “It’s not that my own friends bore me; it’s just that routines can be cumbersome at times. I wish I didn’t have to do the same things over and over each day. Perhaps I’ll get over it once I graduate.”

 

“The door’s going to be wide open for you once you leave,” Levi remarks. “You, I believe, are everything any sane boy in this school could ever wish to be. You wouldn’t even have to flaunt your connections should you want to; all you have to do is flash your resume, and boom, instant hire. Or you could go off and do your own thing and people will still follow you regardless.”

 

“We need to stop being in a hurry to grow up,” Smith says. “My dad likes to remind me that you only go through college once, so you have to make the most of it. People here like living large, as you can see. They smoke, drink and fuck as if they’re going to live forever. I wish I could afford to be that uninhibited. Alas, given my position, I cannot.”

 

“Then do it out of earshot.” Levi snorts. “Don’t be an idiot. You have a bedroom, right? Take someone up, get drunk and have some hot sex. It’s not that complicated. No one’s going to know if you’re careful.”

 

Smith looks thoughtful for a few moments. He pops a handful of chips into his mouth, his chewing almost methodical. It is strange how, just between the two of them, the world suddenly goes silent. Without warning, Smith gets to his feet. He dusts the crumbs off his jeans and extends a hand to Levi. “I might be digging my own grave by inviting you upstairs, but I’m going to do it, anyway. I can’t promise that I’ll be on my best behaviour; I was watching you for quite some time because you were—no, _are_ —the only person in the room who has managed to captivate me in such a short span of time. I would really be—”

 

“—Smith,” Levi cuts in. He paused for a moment. “No, _Erwin_. Shut up. I don’t need a monologue. You could have just stopped at the question. I would have said yes, anyway.”

 

Smith looks dumbfounded. Levi smirks, and takes the man’s outstretched hand.

 

“Lead the way, frat boy.”

 

**Two**

“Do you know if anyone lives there?”

 

Puzzled, Levi turns to Petra, who has abandoned her flower arrangement to gaze out the window. He follows her eyes to the large manor looming above their quaint little town from its lofty perch on the hill, and shakes his head in response. “I doubt. Stop listening to what the townspeople say, Petra. You know how bored people can get—if they can’t find something to gossip about amongst themselves, they create issues by making up stories. That manor has been empty for years, and you needn’t concern yourself with it. Or maybe you’re afraid of the ghosts that are said to inhabit its halls.”

 

“Auruo from the bakery told me he saw a couple of lights switch on the other night,” Petra argues. “It didn’t last long, though; they shut off almost immediately as they had gone on. But he swears upon his mother’s grave that he saw them.”

 

“He must have been drunk out of his mind, as usual.” Levi snorts derisively. “Do you entertain his delusions simply because he gives you a few extra loaves in the morning? If there is some smidgen of truth to the things he says, then believe him when he says he’s quite smitten by you. Everything else is questionable. Now, we really shouldn’t be sitting around here discussing dead people’s properties; we have an order to speed up. I promised Carla Jaeger that I would have it delivered it to her by noon.”

 

“Yes, of course!” Petra nods. “I can’t believe Eren’s getting engaged. I wonder, how on earth did his parents convince him to get married? Two weeks ago, he was too busy getting himself drunk at each and every tavern with those older boys from his school.”

 

“His parents think he ought to behave,” Levi says. “I don’t know if marriage will fix him, but if his parents think it’s worth a shot, who is anyone else to stop them? Also, it’s good business for us, so I’m not complaining. This is only the engagement party—there’s still the bridal shower and the wedding itself.”

 

“It’s unfortunate, though,” Petra says with a sigh. “It always felt so nice to see Eren and his friends playing together on the streets whenever I would drop by town to do some errands. Seeing him about to be married off makes me feel old.”  

 

“The only constant thing in this world is change,” Levi remarks. “We just have to be adaptable enough to keep up with it.”

 

Conversation between the two skids to a halt as they continue to work on their customer’s order. As soon as Petra inserts the last sprig of baby’s breath, she and Levi load the products into the backseat of Levi’s Bentley and prepare to depart for the Jaegers’ home. As he backs the car onto the main road, Levi can’t help but cast a discrete look at the empty manor on the hill. He thinks he sees someone peek out from behind a heavy curtain, but it’s probably just his imagination. After all, the house has been empty for years.

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

Levi is just about to do some gardening of his own in the backyard of their home when Petra appears at the back door, calling for his attention. “Levi, Ymir is here to see you. She says she has some news you might like to hear.”

 

Curious, Levi strips off his gloves and exchanges his rubber boots for a pair of loafers. Inside, he finds Ymir and Petra chatting amiably over scones and Earl Grey tea. He greets Ymir with a handshake before joining Petra on the sofa, fixing the real estate agent with an inquisitive stare.

 

“Out with it, then,” he prods his visitor. “What is so important that you had to drop by?”

 

“Remember the old Wickham Manor up on the hill?” Ymir begins. “Well, of course you do—you see it clearly from this window every single day.  I wanted to tell you in person that I was able to sell the entire property to one man just this morning.”

 

Levi’s brow arches up in surprise. “Are you pulling my leg? No one in their right mind would buy a house that has been plagued by rumours of grisly murders and ghostly haunts. Also, if I may add, your asking price for the property was _ridiculous_. I don’t know anyone in town who can afford it.”

 

“It was purchased by a foreigner,” Ymir explains. “He is an English Baron who wished to purchase a summer home here in Long Island. The meeting was surprisingly quick. I gave him a tour of the property, discussed the provisions of the sale, and he just signed the contract without saying a word. I just came from the post office to deliver a copy of the contract to his lawyer. Petra, you may as well tell Auruo that his days of making up ghost stories have come to an end.”

 

“But this is even more exciting, though!” Petra claps her hands in delight. “Imagine; royalty right here in Long Island! We’ve never had such a prestigious resident before.”

 

“One of his staff might drop by later this week,” Ymir adds. “The Baron mentioned something about wanting to put up a garden party for the members of the upper crust, and I recommended your business to him. He seemed interested and mentioned he would send someone by.”

 

“If he’s willing to do business with us on such a large scale, then I have no objections to having him in town,” Levi says with a smirk. “After all, there is nothing better than a booming business. You and I could end up loaded, Ymir—all thanks to this mysterious Englishman.”

 

“I wouldn’t count my chickens before they hatch, Levi,” Ymir reminds him. “Just because there is interest doesn’t mean things are going to end well. I, for one, feel that he is not one to be trusted. Royalty means very little to folks here in good ol’ America.”

 

“I’ll save my judgment for the day I meet him,” Levi says brazenly. “You are exhibiting enough suspicion for the both of us, Ymir. Should his staff members forget to drop by, I will make a trip to the manor myself. Good business does not wait around.”

 

“You’re being reckless again,” Petra remarks with a sigh. “But remind me to prepare a bit of cake for you to bring to our new neighbour. It would be rude to drop by without a present.”

 

“Just be careful, Levi,” Ymir warns him. “I’m telling you this even if you are more than competent enough to defend yourself in case something happens.”

 

“I’ll be alright.” Levi shrugs her off. “In case he kills me and drinks my virgin blood, I’ll come back as one of the manor ghosts and haunt you all.”

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

All thoughts of the Baron are quick to slip Levi’s mind as he spends the next few days doing inventory. He and Petra are always careful with their stock, but seeds can be difficult to keep track of. He’s just about to start on the sunflower seed packets when he hears a rap on his tool shed door.

 

“If you’re looking to avail of our services, you may as well come in,” he says without looking. “I’m sorry if no one came to meet you at the door; Petra’s out on some errands.”

 

“It’s alright,” the smooth baritone of a man says in response. “I tried your front door several times, but no one seemed to be home. I was just about to call it a day when I heard some noises out back. I do hope you’ll pardon me for trespassing.”

 

Levi looks up from his work. “Baron, if you’re here to bring me good business, then I will forgive you all your trespasses. Now, what is it that you’re looking to have for this garden party?”

 

“How on earth did you know it was me?” The aristocrat chuckles wryly. “I even dressed to look as low-ley as possible. I don’t even remember seeing you look up when I came in.”

 

“Your accent gave you away,” Levi replies. “There aren’t very many Englishmen in the area. Besides, the woman who sold you Wickham told me that you seemed interested in ordering flowers from us.”

 

“Well, I am planning to host a garden party for some of my friends in the city this Saturday,” the Baron says. “My yard, unfortunately, needs a bit of work due to the disrepair it has fallen into. The gardeners my assistant has hired are taking care of most of the hard labour, but I need someone to assist me in beautifying the grounds. Ymir has told me many good things about you.”

 

“We are one of the very few who are into this type of business, so we make it a point to be hard-working and committed to our craft.” Levi takes a wreath from the counter and carries it over to the Baron. “This is one of our funeral wreaths. On such occasions, we like to make use of white flowers such as white roses, calla lilies or anthuriums with baby’s breath. Of course, what we will put together for your party will not be as somber-looking at this one should you choose to do business with us.”

 

“This is certainly fine craftsmanship,” the Baron remarks, running his fingers over the rose petals. “Alright then, show me what else you can do with these talented hands. I’m not well-versed when it comes to flower arrangements, so I grant you free reign to do what you feel is best for a garden party.”

 

“A wreath for the dead and I have you in the palm of my hand?” Levi asks. “That’s rather impulsive of you, Baron.”

 

“I know good hands when I see them,” the Baron responds. “I don’t even have to touch yours to know that you have shallow cuts and month-old callouses on them. You do your work with your own hands, and that pleases me.”

 

“You make for a very strange royal, Baron.”

 

“Call me Erwin,” the Baron requests. “And yes, I’m aware that I don’t quite fit the bit personality-wise.”

 

“That doesn’t bother me in the least.” Levi motions for Erwin to join him at the counter, where he clears away the seed packets to make room for papers. “I’m going to make some notes and rough sketches on what I think will serve the party’s purpose. I want you to tell me more about the things that you want so I can have a better grasp of the situation.”

 

“I didn’t schedule an appointment, though,” Erwin protests. “Are you certain I won’t be taking up too much of your time by agreeing to do so?”

 

“No,” Levi says with a dismissive wave of his hand. “All I had scheduled for today was inventory, anyway. That can get boring after a good hour or two. Now, chatter away, please.”

 

The Baron—Erwin—smiles. “Ymir was right. You _are_ worth the visit.”

 

**Three**

Promises made after sex with a married man were not always meant to be kept.

 

Levi’s traitorous mind can clearly recall the way Erwin Smith had nuzzled his ear, murmuring sweet words about divorcing his wife and moving in with Levi. Levi had not allowed himself to get affected by these as first; he knew very well what he was going to get into playing the mistress of a married man. Neither of them had meant for anything to happen on the night they had been introduced. Their mutual friend, Mike Zacharias, had invited them both to his birthday party, and the two had found themselves deeply engrossed in conversation soon after the harried introduction. That same night, Levi had followed Erwin into his hotel room and allowed himself to be held and fucked against the wall. He’d left right after, but Erwin was adamant about continuing where they had left off. Every Monday and Friday, they would meet at whichever hotel Erwin chose for the night, and Levi would leave past midnight with sore thighs and a throbbing ass.

 

This had been going on for nearly three months. Levi is amazed that it took so long for Erwin’s wife to find out when they weren’t being as discreet as they should have. Being the mistress, he had backed off without an argument and had cut all connections to Erwin since then. He never thought much of the split, but he would always, always hate how his heart would ache just a little bit when he would accidentally unearth a scarf that smelled of Erwin ‘s cologne or discover the ghost of a hickey on some part of his body after a scalding hot shower.

 

This is also why he shuts the door in Mike’s face when the latter comes to visit him only to bring up the name of the bastard who had broken his heart.

 

“If you won’t open the door, I’d like to at least listen to me.” Mike is practically pleading. “Erwin understands why you don’t want to talk to him anymore, but you left so suddenly when the missus caught you in bed together that there has never been any closure. He has a few things—apologies to make, among others—to tell you. I think these are things that you need to hear in order to move on.”

 

Levi sighs. “It’s best that I disappear from his life just as abruptly as how I came into it. I’m not going to talk to him, Mike. I’m not going to fuck up any more than I already have.”

 

“I didn’t think you two would be drawn to each other in such a way when I introduced you,” Mike says quietly. “I’m sorry, Levi. You wouldn’t have been in this mess if it wasn’t for me.”

 

“It’s my fault too, you idiot.” Levi yanks the door open. “I was the one who wasn’t thinking. I let myself fall into his arms and get roped up in his web of lies. Who’s the stupid one now?”

 

“Both of you are,” Mike grunts. “He has always been the kind of man who loved his wife and adored his children. I was just as shocked as Vivian when I found out that Erwin was having an affair. To be honest, you were the last person in the world I expected to find in the role of the third party. I always just thought that you had become close friends, which would explain why you were always together.”

 

“…have they repaired their relationship?” Levi asks sharply. “Him and his wife, I mean. And his children, how are they doing?”

 

“Well, they’re trying,” Mike replies. “She still hasn’t quite forgiven him yet, but they are trying. His children, bless them, never found out. They love their father as much as they always have.”

 

“That’s good, then.” Levi nods. “I’ll admit, there was never a moment when we were together that I did not want to come in between him and his wife. But his children? Never wanted to hurt a single bone in their tiny little bodies. And Erwin knows that.”

 

“You should be saying all these things to Erwin,” Mike says gently. “I’m sure he would want to hear from you. If you really don’t want to, there’s nothing I can do, but would you please consider it a bit longer?”

 

Long after Mike leaves, Levi pushes their conversation to the back of his mind. He busies himself with cleaning the house from top to bottom and watching reruns of _Desperate Housewives_. He does not know what possesses him to pick up his phone and key in a number that he still memorises three weeks into the breakup.

 

“Erwin? It’s me, Levi. I know you want to talk, so fucking _talk_.” 

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

It feels strange to look at Erwin after three weeks of not being in his presence. In the relatively short time that they had been apart, Erwin seems to have aged a few years. Whenever they were together, he had always looked so much younger in Levi’s eyes because he would almost always be smiling. He’s beginning to wish that he insisted they finish their conversation on the phone; seeing Erwin look exhausted only makes him want to blurt out that he’s sorry and that he wants to continue.

 

“You look well,” is the first thing that comes out of Erwin’s mouth.

 

“Yeah? Wish I could say the same for you, but you look like shit.” He regrets saying it, but he has to be his usual crass self to be able to keep his emotions at bay. “Mike said you were miserable, so I decided to call. It was wrong of me to just get up and leave the way I did.”

 

“I don’t blame you,” Erwin says with a sigh. “Had you stayed, it might have made things worse.”

 

“I would have protected you,” Levi murmurs. “Even if you and I were both in the wrong, I would have defended you against her accusations and make up some shit story about me being some nutjob obsessed with you. But yes, you’re right—it might have made things worse.”

 

“I’m not a good man, Levi,” Erwin says gravely. “I cheated on my wife knowing full well that it was morally incorrect. I could not stave off my attraction to you.”

 

“And I let you do it!” Levi snaps. “Will you stop blaming yourself, you dick? I’m to blame too, just in case you’ve forgotten. I _willingly_ crawled into bed with a married man. I never did anything to put a stop to this affair, either. You have to can your solitary guilt and start putting the blame on me.”

 

Erwin runs a hand over his face. “A man is a horse wearing blinders when in love. I am terrible at finding fault with you, Levi.”

 

Levi is stunned. “…did you just say you loved me or something?”

 

“What do you think?” Erwin asks wearily. “Have you ever thought otherwise? You became my world, Levi. With you, I always felt like a young man who had finally found love.”

 

“Don’t say such things.” Levi gets to his feet, eyes ablaze with rage. “Don’t fucking lie to me about shit like this when you’re just going to lie to my face again! I should have never even come here in the first place. Have a nice fucking life, Erwin Smith.”

 

He storms out of the café, wiping furiously at the tears pricking at his eyes. It’s fucking depressing to realise that over the short span of time that he was able to spend in Erwin’s arms, he had somehow fallen in love with the man. He squeezes his eyes shut and wishes for a million things: for Erwin not to be married, for Erwin not to be a father, for Erwin to have truly loved him.

 

“Don’t go, Levi. Please.”

 

“Go away!” Levi snarls. “I don’t fucking care about you anymore. I’m fucking done.”

 

Erwin’s voice is as cold as steel. “If you can say that with conviction, then I will go. If you can make me believe those words, I will leave at once and cease all communication with you.”

 

Levi weakly bangs his fist against the wall. He refuses to meet Erwin’s eyes.

 

“I don’t love you. Not even close. Not even a little bit. Not even at all.”

 

“Liar.” He feels Erwin’s arms come around him. “I claim my right as a selfish man to keep you tethered to me. She doesn’t trust me yet, but I’ll find a way around it.”

 

“We’re so fucked,” Levi murmurs, digging his nails into Erwin’s chest. “We are so fucked and selfish and blindsided, and we are going to hell for not putting an end to this affair.”

 

“Hell won’t be such a terrible place with you at my side.” Erwin presses a kiss to Levi’s forehead. “Stop struggling, my darling. Everything is going to be alright.”

 

And Levi can’t help but believe him. Even if married men in torrid affairs always lie.

 

**Four**

 

The sight of nearly a hundred American flags draped over caskets is both beautiful and sad at the same time. These were the bodies of men who had left their families and their homes to serve their country in wartime. Even if he is a top-ranking officer in the CIA, Levi feels thoroughly inadequate in the face of unabashed courage. He can only hope that when the time comes, he will go with the same dignity.

 

He pauses at the foot of one coffin. A small boy with chin-length blond hair is laying a wreath of blood red roses atop the flag, his expression nearly inscrutable. “I’m sorry for your loss,” Levi says uncertainly. “He was a good man. A brave one.”

 

“Thank you,” the boy responds sincerely. “You must have never known my father, but it is comforting to have someone say nice things about him, empty as they might be.”

 

Levi closes his eyes and thinks of a soldier named Erwin Smith. Just three nights ago, he had been sitting in the radio control tower when a man’s voice had come through the communicator. He had introduced himself as Corporal Erwin Smith and went on to report the names of his dead comrades. Levi remembers how badly his hand had been shaking as he scribbled down the soldiers’ names on the margins of an old issue of The New York Times.

 

_“Give me your location,” he had insisted. “I can dispatch a team to collect you once you confirm. My name is Levi. I’m with the CIA. I am not an enemy.”_

_“You shouldn’t waste time,” Corporal Smith said. “I’ve been injured, and it doesn’t look good. Within minutes, I will most likely be dead. But I have the coordinates of the terrorist base location, so you must listen carefully to what I am about to tell you and make sure the information reaches the right people.”_

So Levi had listened. He could hear Corporal Smith gasping for breath on the other end of the line as he dictated the coordinates to Levi. Levi had recited them back, wanting to be certain that he had them correctly written down. He knew he should have run off immediately upon receiving the information, but he’d stayed on the line, promising the soldier that would not turn the channel off until he passed.

 

_“Will you sing for me?” Corporal Smith had asked. “It doesn’t matter what song or whether you’ve a beautiful voice; I’d just like to hear a song before I go.”_

And Levi had sung a lullaby his grandmother taught him. He sang it once, twice as he listened to the shallow breathing on the other end, silently praying that someone would find Corporal Smith in time to save him. He’d sung until his throat was hoarse, dry heaving into the stall in the men’s bathroom when there was no one left to listen. When he’d felt well enough to turn the information in to his superiors, he had pulled out all files on the soldiers who had gone on the expedition, pausing over the image of a blond man wearing a determined expression that could move mountains.

 

It’s strange how he suddenly feels a gripping sensation of knowing as he gazes upon this young boy who, dear lord, looks so much like his late father.

 

“I knew your father briefly,” he says. “I sang him to sleep the night he died. And I wished, again and again, that I could turn back time so I could have met him, just once.”

 

**Now (And Again)**

Levi wakes up to the sound of horses’ hooves and loud voices. He rights himself with the assistance of his crutches and hobbles back down to the mess hall, which is, once again, filled with people. He watches quietly as Armin Arlert struggles to heft an unconscious Jean Kirschtein on to a stretcher. His eyes quickly dart away to Christa Renz, who now moves with what seems to be a newfound strength as she guides her wounded teammates to the medical bay. Across the threshold, Mikasa Ackerman is half-carrying Eren Jaeger into the room. Levi cannot help but wonder how much he has missed out on.

 

He does, however, note the absence of the man who lords over them like a fucking seraph, and his heart constricts in his throat. Cursing his limited mobility, he frantically searches the room for any sign of Erwin, ignoring the ringing in his ears as a wave of nausea threatens to cripple him.

 

“Hanji Zoe!” he bellows, clutching the doorframe with one hand as his crutches fall to the floor. “Where the fuck are you, four-eyes?”

 

“Please look after Jean for the meantime,” he hears Armin say to another soldier. “I’ll escort the Captain to Squad Leader Zoe’s whereabouts.”

 

Levi has no strength to argue as the young boy slings an arm around his waist to support him. He can barely register the murmurs of concern that rip through the room’s occupants as Armin leads Levi out of the mess hall. “I’m sorry,” the boy says quietly. “I should have brought you to the Commander as soon as I—”

 

“—he’s alive?” Levi interrupts, snapping out of his daze.

 

Armin pauses. “He is. Fortunate to be so, too.”

 

Levi hates the traces of hesitation in Armin’s tone. He doesn’t want any complications in this situation. He wants Erwin to be safe and sound, with only cuts and bruises to mark that unyielding visage. But he must put on a brave face, so he says nothing more and tries not to make a mad leap for the door at the end of the hallway.

 

Armin doesn’t even knock. He practically throws the door open and says, “I have the Lance Corporal here, Squad Leader Zoe. He would like to see to the Commander.”

 

Hanji steps out from behind a cloth partition. Levi can just barely make out the silhouette of Erwin’s form on the other side. Still, he says nothing.

 

“We should leave them be, Armin,” Hanji says. She is uncharacteristically somber. “There are many others who need to be attended to, and Erwin says that I have done what I can for him.”

 

She exits the room with Armin, only stopping to give Levi a brief squeeze on the shoulder. He still does not move from his spot.

 

“Aren’t you going to welcome me home, Corporal?” Erwin finally asks. “I’ve been waiting for you.”

 

Levi hesitates. He leans his crutches against the wall and hobbles around the partition. Erwin is sitting on one of those horrible military-issue beds with sheets that make Levi itch. His face is caked with some dirt, but the scars on his body are the old ones that Levi knows by heart. He cannot, however, tear his gaze away from the bloody stump that was once Erwin Smith’s right arm.

 

“It’s a clean cut,” Erwin says. “The titan clamped its jaws around my arm and held me aloft. The only way to make an escape was to slice it off myself, so I did. As you can see, it’s the only injury I obtained during this mission, but it is, nonetheless, an inconvenient one.”

 

Levi squeezes his eyes shut. He wants to scream at Erwin. He wants to berate him for being a reckless moron who forgot to look both ways before crossing the street. Mostly, he wants to berate himself for cocking up so badly in the previous mission that he had not been well enough to stay by Erwin’s side for this one.

 

The strength of Erwin’s gaze, as always, is unwavering. “Had you been there, you would have been the one to slice my arm off. It would not have made a difference.”

 

Levi ignores him. “Do your bandages need changing? The blood is seeping through.”

 

“Yes, please. I trust you know how?”

 

Of course he does. They’ve done it for each other countless times before. Levi moves to Hanji’s cabinet to get a fresh wad and some antiseptic. “This will sting. But you’re a grown man who just sliced his arm off, so I’m sure you can withstand a little bit of pain.”    

 

Erwin hisses a little when Levi pours the antiseptic over his wound. Normally, Levi would have dabbed it on with some cotton, but he’s feeling quite angry with Erwin at the moment. He does, however, take great care in cleaning it and wrapping the bandages around the stump. He doesn’t think he will ever get used to having this arm end in a stump when it was almost always pressed against Erwin’s chest in salute or curled around Levi’s waist in sleep. He wants to lash out, he truly does; he feels like he’s lost an essential part of this man who has become his life, and he can hardly stand it.

 

“I should have been there,” he says softly, pressing a kiss to what is left of the arm he so loved.

 

Erwin sighs. “What’s done is done. We can only think of what we can do for the future. I do, however, feel that I may have outlived my usefulness on the battlefield. It will be difficult to fight with one arm. In line with that, I may as well turn over the post to someone else.”

 

“Fuck you!” Levi hisses. “You’re the only person in this world that people like Mike and Nanaba and Hanji—like _me_ —are willing to follow even if you were the hand that would drive us to our deaths. I will kill you before you even think about resigning from your post! You still have your left hand and that brilliant piece of shit in your head you call a brain. You’re still alive, and that counts for something. For everything.”

 

He exhales. It’s the angriest he’s been in awhile, and it is exhausting. “For one long moment there, I thought I’d finally lost you,” he mumbles. “I fell asleep while waiting; all my dreams had you in them. Some ended well, but some were just plain shitty. You died in the last one. I don’t even think I’d know what to do if I wake up to find you dead someday. I’d probably go out there and kill them all.”

 

Erwin reaches out to take Levi’s hand. “I’m sorry.”

 

“It’s alright,” Levi replies, his throat dry. “We’ll find a way. We’ve always been fucking good at making do with what we have.”

 

“We used to make a fine pair, you and I,” Erwin murmurs. “Everyone said we made the perfect team because the trust has always been so implicit. Perhaps I will still be able to use the 3DMG with some practice, but I can no longer be the pair of wings that beat alongside yours.”

 

“I’ll hold you up, then.” Levi leans in to kiss him—this selfless bastard, this noble soldier, this man that he fucking loves. “I will be your right hand.”

 

To prove his point, he unzips Erwin’s fly and strokes him to hardness, fulfilling a duty that Erwin’s remaining hand cannot. He can’t quite remember how he ends up atop Erwin; he finds himself as naked as the day he was born, bracing himself up on his forearms as his commander lubes up his ass with thick fingers and a warm tongue. What he does remember is the feeling of coming home as he aligns the tip of Erwin’s cock with his well-prepared entrance and slides down in one swift move. He sobs in relief as Erwin fucks him roughly, relieved that the man has survived to fight another day. Levi chants Erwin’s name like a mantra as he meets him thrust for thrust, calling him a variety of colourful names that serve as both endearments and curses. He does not bother to stifle his screams as he comes, relishing the sensation of having Erwin fill him, somehow marking him as his own. He carefully lowers himself onto Erwin’s chest, gentle enough as so not to brush against his injury.    

 

“That was brilliant,” Erwin rasps, chuckling softly. He cards his fingers through Levi’s hair. “Perhaps I should make losing body parts a trend if I can get you to react like that whenever we have sex.”

 

“Lose your right limb and I will never let you stick your cock in me again,” Levi threatens him. “Now be a good Survey Corps Commander and get some rest.”

 

The room is pleasantly quiet. The cup of scalding tea that Hanji has left for Erwin has gone cold, and time is ticking by slowly. Levi wraps his arms around Erwin and buries his face into the crook between his neck and his shoulder. This time, he is grateful to be very much awake.


End file.
